If the tickly cough doesn't get you, an avalanche of loo rolls just might

Rod Liddle says in the Sunday Times today "greetings from my bunker of self-isolation, with its crates of alcohol and pies - and a shadowy figure holding a scythe sitting patiently outside on the patio, occasionally checking his watch. You will have been inundated with information and misinformation about Covid-19 these past two weeks. So much so that you may have lost the will to live, even before that first ticklish dry cough takes hold. But such has been the volume of news output that there are many stories you will have undoubtedly missed. Never fear. I have been selflessly monitoring them for you!"

Photo credit: The Sunday Times

Posted: 200315

Crush in Warminster
Two fatalities associated with Covid-19, but not included in the the official statistics, were those of Doreen Noakes, 76, and her husband Ronald, 78, of Warminster in Wiltshire. They suffocated in their sleep when an estimated 11 tons of horded lavatory rolls smashed through from their attic into their bedroom below.

Mrs Noakes had become a familiar sight in the local area wheeling home a shopping trolley full of vanilla-scented four-ply from the supermarket. Her daughter Julie, 51, said "Mum did the same thing during the Sars outbreak, the bird flu outbreak, the Iranian revolution, the Summer drought of 1976 and the Cuban Missile Crisis. All stored in the attic. We believe somewhere near the bottom of that great pile was some of that shiny stuff that looks like tracing paper, which you can't get any more." Julie added "it's just how Mum would have wanted to go, to be honest, smelling lovely and with incredibly clean nether regions."

Maintaining standards, what!
Decent, law-abiding and well-off people who are self isolating should be encouraged to spray their cleaners, nannies, gardeners and so on with aerosolised household bleach to guard against contracting the virus, according to a letter published in the Daily Telegraph from landowner Sir Herbet Woodpile.
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