Samantha has to pop off now to . . .
Humphrey Lyttelton was perhaps the UK's most influential jazz performer. Beyond this, he was a noted raconteur and wit and chairman of BBC Radio 4's long-running "antidote to panel games", I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. His deadpan humour was a very popular feature - not least his "Samantha stories" and his side splitting introductions to the places the show toured around the UK. Here are some memorable quotes. (30.4.08)

Tonight we are here with the good folk of Croydon. Croydon's ancient parish church was rebuilt by the architect Charles Gilbert Scott who also designed our traditional red telephone boxes. As a mark of respect at his funeral the male mourners patiently waited their turn to urinate in his tomb.

The next round is all about theatrical drama. As a student of theatrical art, I have been recently examining the various theories as to who really wrote Shakespeare's plays. Conspiracy theorists say there is no mention of his plays in his will which bequeaths to Anne Hathaway only his bed whereas neighbours in Stratford distinctly recall that they heard him give her the complete works sometime before his death!

Well with all to play for . . . . . we go on to a game called Closed Quotes. Please complete the following quotations:
Tim: If you want a thing done well . . . .
Response: leave it in the microwave overnight!
Barry: Too many cooks . . . .
Response: On television!
Graeme: Cleanliness is next to . . . .
Response: Impossible!
Willie: Rome was not built in . . . .
Response: Norway!

Pray silence for the late arrivals!
When Willie Rushton was on the panel many years ago, the show would frequently end with the "Late Arrivals" and his spontaneous additions would keep coming leaving the other participants overcome with laughter - I recall the arrivals for the Plumbers' Ball included "hold your sides for yet another arrival: Mr and Mrs Cock and there buoyant daughter Ball Cock!".

A typical start to a Late Arrivals piece would be: "Ladies and gentleman, please greet this regal late arrival at the Builders' Ball: Lady Foundationsfirst, Lord Watermess, filthy Prince Everywhere, Count Thecostlater and Baron Bankaccount . . . . ".

As the lemmings of fate run over the crumbling cliff of enternity . . . we must say goodnight!
And sitting on my right hand is our lovely scorer Samantha!
Humph was famous for his delivery of deadpan double entendres on his radio show I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue. Many featured the escapades of the show's fictional scorer, the lovely Samantha. Here's just a selection to remind you:

Samantha has to nip out now as she has promised to style her new gentleman friend's hair for him. She says she looking forward to giving him a wash and trim, before skillfully blowing him dry!

Samantha has to nip off to the National Opera where she's been giving private tuition to the singers. Having seen what she did to the baritone, the director is keen to see what she might do for a tenor!

Samantha does a few chores for an elderly gentleman who lives nearby. She shows him how to use the washing machine and then prunes his fruit trees. Later he'll hang out his pyjamas as he watches her beaver away up a ladder!

After tasting the meat pies, Samantha said she liked Mr Dewhurst's beef in ale; although she prefered his tongue in cider!

Samantha's just started keeping bees and already has three dozen or so. She says she's got an expert handler coming round to give her a demonstration. He'll carefully take out her 38 bees and soon have them flying around his head!

Samantha has to go now as she's off to meet her Italian gentleman friend who's taking her out for an ice cream. She says she likes to spend an evening licking the nuts off a large Neapolitan!

Samantha has to nip off to a Welsh Conservative Association dinner for their most senior MP, whose name is said to be impossible to pronounce. She's certainly found the longest standing Welsh member a bit of a mouthful!

Samantha has to pop out now as she is off to meet her gentleman friend who is helping her restore some old furniture. She's just purchased an old chest of drawers which has suffered from having some candles on it. She's looking forward to stripping her tallboy while he scrapes off varnish and wax next to her!

Samantha has to nip off now to meet her cheesemaker gentleman friend. He has promissed to show her how to put a blue vein into a Caerphilly.

More "Samantha clips" will be very welcome.

Clips from Melvyn Bragg's South Bank Show on Humphrey Lyttelton as a tribute to Humph. More
We understand the I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue team are planning a broadcast as a tribute
to Humphrey Lyttelton which is due to be broadcast on Radio 4 on Saturday 11th May 2008
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