"Sometimes
when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look
into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all
of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might
be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to
myself it is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come
true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Jack Handy
WARNING: The
consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened
to your clothing.
"I feel
sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The
consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,
smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Henry Youngman
WARNING: The
consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH
you.
"24 hours
in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
Stephen Wright
WARNING: The
consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
"When
we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
Another contribution
from Ian Quarrington, presumably from a source in the US (14.8.07)
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"Beer
is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing
like a retard.
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of
mankind is beer Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention,
but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in
a can!
Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
And saving
the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo
Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well
ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as
fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is
the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because
the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving
by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same
way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain
cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.
But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain
cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's
why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.
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