They will make you groan
Gordon Hesketh-Jones sent in these one-liners with the comment - they will make you groan! (6.7.07)

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue, and just couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this fellow just went on and on.

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong?

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today. It said on the packet 'Best Before The End'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue?" I said "No, just a watch".

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I phoned the local builder today and said to him "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"


So I met the man who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"